After dinner, I went up stairs to my room. I lay on the bed wondering, why I didn’t react when my father said, “I was just a girl.” This is the first time I was this confused. I thought over and over why I didn’t react to my father’s words. So, I kept asking myself, “Why didn’t I defend myself, when my father said I was just a girl? Am I really just a girl?” but not a single thought pop up into my head. Instead, I was in so much pressure into the reason that made my head feel like it was going to explode, just like a bomb. So, I stopped thinking and lied there peacefully trying to sleep. But the questions didn’t stop, it kept going in my brain, I felt like I’m suffering, my soul felt like I wasn’t supposed to be born as a girl. Since that day, I had never felt comfortable, neither did I slept. The only thing that was in my brain was the events that happened that had changed me. Therefore, to release my stress, I finally thought of going to an understanding person, my mother.
The next day, when my mother was making breakfast, I went into the kitchen and helped her. When I was going to talk about my issue, my father came in and interrupted me. Then after eating breakfast, I helped my mother wash dishes and I asked, “Mother, do you have time afterwards? I want to talk to you.” Then my mother responded, “Yes dear, I can talk to you during dinner.””But mother, I want to talk to you alone, not with dad here!”I said. When dinner ended, my mother came up to my room and asked what I want to talk about; but then, when I started trying to say the issue, my voice only let me say, “Uhhhh…..” After that, I realized how nervous I was to tell her about the issue, I was sweating with fear and thinking hard what my mother would think of me. A few seconds later, my mother said, “Dear, you have been acting weird these few days, I hope you can tell me the problem your troubled with.” So I took a deep breath and said, “mother, am I just a girl?” She said that I am. When I heard that, I felt so disappointed, I don’t want to be just a girl! I always thought that I was a tomboy, and I don’t want to change. Therefore, I continued to talk, but when she suddenly hear it, she said, “Dear, you will never change, the true you will always be in your heart. Why did you suddenly ask this weird question?” Afterwards I said with embarrassment, “it all began when dad brought two horses and they started to kill both of them to get food for the foxes. I thought out of pity and left the gate open when Flora was running towards me. I was scared and felt pressured and nervous; I don’t want to watch anymore animals being killed. Even though I knew father and Henry would go and catch it, I thought it could at least have a chance to run away for freedom. But then when father said I was just a girl, it made me feel like I was useless, not helpful, not strong, but weak. I never wanted to be that kind of girl, I just want to be a strong one, but I guess I could never change the fact that I’m just a girl.” When my mother listened to me say that, she was very happy and said, “I’m glad you told me, but it doesn’t matter what gender or type of girl you are, you can have any personality you want, as long you are yourself. The real you will always be inside of you and you can’t change yourself because of your gender; but only the surrounding and the responsibility that would change the way you do things.” “Therefore, you will always be my sweet girl.”After listening to my mother say that, I felt really happy and relieved. I have no more confusion anymore, because I now admit that I am just a girl.
After that, a few years had passed since the day I had a talk with my mother. I remember everything that happened that time. I would treasure those memories so that I could remind myself, “it doesn’t matter who or what I am, as long I’m myself.” Those words made me understand me for who I am. From the beginning, I was always a girl and I still will be.
